


The Poe Incident

by kyrrann



Series: Black Book Drabbles [2]
Category: Black Books
Genre: British Comedy, Comedy, Fluff, Gen, Halloween, Halloween Costumes, Humor, Inspired by Edgar Allan Poe, ghost story, halloween fluff, the raven
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-22
Updated: 2016-10-22
Packaged: 2018-08-23 21:48:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,231
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8344072
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kyrrann/pseuds/kyrrann
Summary: Bernard is not at all impressed with Halloween.Written as part of the Edgar Allan Poe challenge for the All Fandoms FanFiction and Original Fiction Writer's Group.





	

Bernard sat behind the desk in his bookshop, chin on one hand, drink in the other, cigarette hanging out of his mouth and irritated out of his mind. “Manny! Why are there so many people in here?”

The long haired man ran from a nearby book display towards his boss, confused look on his face. “Because ... this is a book shop?”

“Well tell them to leave.” Bernard made a dismissive waving motion with his hand. “I don’t like them.”

“Oh come on, Bernard,” Manny prodded, “it’s Halloween. Get into the spirit. Have some fun.” He picked up a book from a nearby table. “Like reading this book of stories from Edgar Allan Poe.”

Clearing his throat, Manny opened the book and began to recite, “Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered, weak and weary, over many a quaint and curious .... ”

“Stop it!” Bernard interrupted, his face contorted in pain. “I’ll have none of that drivel rat-a-tat-tatting at my chamber door tonight. Now get out!”

“Oh come one Bernard. I’m going to a party tonight. You should come,” Manny suggested. “You don’t want to be alone on this, the scariest of all evenings.” He wiggled his fingers and began to make ghost noises.

“There’s no such things as ghosts. And if there were, they can get the hell out too.”

“Don’t you even want to see my costume?” Manny inquired.

“You mean other than the buffoon costume you normally wear?” Bernard asked. “No. Now, get out and take all of this riff raff with you.” He began to push the confused customers out the door. “Go on!”

As Manny left, he turned around and stuck out his tongue. “Party pooper!”

“Yeah, well it’s better than being an annoying … pooper,” Bernard retorted as he slammed the door in Manny’s face. Frustrated with life, he walked over to his desk to pour himself another drink and then slumped down on the couch, cigarette dangling precariously from his lips.

“Stupid Poe,” he muttered, a disgusted look upon his face. “What’s so great about that untalented doorknob? Oh, so scary, a raven! I’ve seen scarier tales on puppies in the pet shop.” It wasn’t long before Bernard fell into an uncomfortable slumber.

* * *

_Rat-a-tat-tat_

Bernard stirred and opened one eye.

_Rat-a-tat-tat_

“Go away! We’re closed.” he muttered before closing his eye again.

_Rat-a-tat-tat_

Defeated, Bernard got up off the couch and dragged himself over to the door. He threw it open and slurred, “Sir, or Madam, truly your forgiveness I implore. But the fact is I was napping and I would appreciate it if you would go the hell away!”

Blinking his eyes, he saw there was no one at the door at all, just the darkness of the street outside.  He shrugged his shoulders.  “Must have been dreaming.” He began to shut the door when a black blur whooshed past his head. It thudded to a stop on the other side of the room and was followed by gales of laughter. “Trick or treat, old man!”

“Bloody hooligans!” He yelled and quickly slammed the door. He turned to see a raven, stuffed and mounted, with a sign round it’s neck that said “Manny”.

Bernard huffed as he picked up the monstrosity and peered into its dark, beady eyes. He pondered it for a moment, then began bashing it on his desk, punctuating his words. “Very. funny. Manny. you. stupid. twit!” Feathers and pieces of bird flew everywhere before he slammed it into the bin. Gulping down a another drink, he stumbled back over to the couch to continue his rest.

_Nevermore_

Bernard sat up. “What?” Not seeing anyone, he murmured, “Ah, ‘tis the wind and nothing more.” He curled up and tried to resume his nap.

_Nevermore_

Jumping up from the couch, he yelled, “All right you bastard, I heard that! Where are you?” Bernard looked around the shop only to find it otherwise unoccupied. “Manny, if this is your way of getting back at me for not going to that party, you’d better hope I don’t find you, you long-haired, dim-witted son of a whale.  Because when I do, you’ll be caught from an unhappy master whom unmerciful disaster will shove his bottle of wine up your arse.”

Unable to find the owner of the disembodied voice, he poured another drink and tossed it down. “Quaff, oh quaff this kind nepenthe and forget this whole senseless night.” He jumped as lightning struck, plunging the room into darkness.

_Nevermore_

“Uh, hello?” he called out timidly. As the drink settled into his system, he was stuck by a sense of panic. “Okay, so maybe Manny was right and there are such things as ghosts. Lord knows I’ll probably be forced to haunt a bingo parlor surrounded by blue haired old ladies for an eternity,” he frowned. “And I’ll bet they all have cats.”

_Nevermore_

There was a knock on the door and Bernard screamed. Catching his breath he breathed, “Don’t be daft, Bernard. It’s probably just Manny coming to say he’s sorry and wants to share a drink.” He swung open the door and began to say Manny’s name only to find himself face to face with a huge orangutan wearing a bikini. Not knowing how to process this new bit of information, he passed out on the floor.

* * *

“Bernard, Bernard, can you hear me?”

He returned to consciousness to find a very fuzzy Manny kneeling next to him, holding the stuffed bird that whizzed into his bookshop earlier. “Wait, don’t tell me, I’ve died and gone to hell.”

Many looked up and surveyed the surroundings. “No, I don’t think so,” he replied.

Bernard pulled himself up to his feet. “You’re right. I expect when I end up there, I’ll be forced to run a bookshop with at least 20 of you. And as far as I can tell, there is only one, although you are quite a bit more hairy than usual.”

“Oh this? It’s my costume!” Manny said proudly, standing up to show it off. “I wanted to be a sexy pirate, but sexy orangutan was the only costume left.”

“I’m not even going to question that. What is that you’re holding, exactly?” he asked, looking at the smashed bird in Manny’s hand.

Manny held it out in front of him. “This is my bird. I bought him at a shop round the corner. It has a tape recorder in his belly, see?” Many zipped open the bird to show him.

 _Nevermore_ , it cawed.

Manny giggled. “I was going to bring him to the party tonight when some kids played a trick on me and made off with him. I see you let him sleep in the bin over there. Thank you for taking such good care of my bird. I named him Manny,” he beamed.

“You named him Manny?!” Bernard felt a wave of anger wash over him. He thrust out his hands and wrapped them around Manny’s throat. “Leave my loneliness unbroken! Take thy stupid bird from out my shop, and take thy hideous form out of my door!”

Manny put his hands on Bernard’s arms and tried to break free. “I guess … you weren’t kidding … when you said ... you didn’t like … Poe.” Finally breaking loose, he scrambled for the door and Bernard slammed it behind him.

“And stay out!” he yelled, before the muffled sounds of bird Manny answered him,  _Nevermore_.


End file.
